Tag Archives: Joel Hopkins

An open letter to ITV

Dear Producer/Sir/Madam

My name is Greg Standing and i am a unemployed person of 19 years of age, and as an unemployed person, i have of course caught the GMTV replacement, daybreak. It is impossible not to have heard about the ratings issue that the show has been suffering from since the painful birth from ITV’s vagina . I think that this is, well excuses my language is pants. Daybreak is a quality light entertainment program, and i find that it is a great way to start my day, before setting off to a hard days work (if i worked). However these ratings issues can not just be ignored, a large amount of the viewership, which you did have for GMTV has left, and they left to watch the less lighthearted BBC Breakfast (that or they have died, i hear a lot of old people use to watch GMTV). No, not even the chemistry which flows from Adrian and Christine would save your show.  On another note not to do with the rest of the letter, i do find it slightly annoying that the two are rarely on the show together now a days, i mean i understand why, Adrian has his football and i’m sure Christine has stuff to do as well (washing, etc.).

DO NOT FEAR

I have a simple solution to your problems, that will not only bring back the viewership that left after the re-branding, but it will also bring in new fans (such as shark enthusiast, people who watch snuff films).  Bring back to the fold Fred Talbot and more importantly his floating weather map.

I always liked the not to scale models of British tourist attractions.

As a young child i liked watching “this morning” and catching up on the latest weather predictions, with a cup of tea, before setting off to primary school. But i loved fun more than that (which i just mentioned). And there was nothing more fun, than watching a middle age man jumping between a scale (not to scale) model of the UK. I would love to see Fred the weatherman back on the floating map, unless he is dead*, if he is then a young  (attractive) woman would do. I would not expect that this alone would bring back the viewers, it would need sprucing up. Do not worry i have ideas for that too.

Why not have a shark in the water around the floating map,  it would add a risk element to the forecast, that i personally feel the viewers would love to see (i know i would). Before all the “PC” (political correctness) brigade shout out that it’s too dangerous (which i think  is a silly excuse not to do it) fear not, if the idea does not fly, i say we rip all the teeth out of the shark! This way if Fred falls into the water (which he would be contractually obliged to do once a month) he would not be mauled to death, instead he would be gently gummed, until the shark is shot (humanely). This is not my only idea, no! My next idea is, once a year, you could drag the floating weather map (Fred with it) into the middle of the Atlantic sea. He would not have a support team, and only have what he could grab, as he was dragged out of bed, he would then be chained to the weather map on the morning of the start of the show**. Fred would have to survive for two weeks on the map, with challenges for food taking place; he fails? then he does not eat for the day. I also propose a daily show, the show should be hosted by the Chuckle Brother (or alternatively Ant and Dec; if the Chuckle brother are still contracted to the BBC) which would track his progress. As well exclusive news on Daybreak (see more viewers). I think you would agree that this is much better than any of your current shows.

Fred is ready to be chained to the map

I ask you not to scoff at my idea, as that was what my mum did when i told them to her. I ask you to look at them for what they are; ideas, fresh juice brain ideas, as a zombie would say. And is that not what an old and riddled with realty TV channel needs?  Perhaps i say! So if you would like to contact me, i would be willing to sell my ideas to you (or perhaps  a executive position within the company). I hope that you give the same amount of thought and consideration as i put into writing this.

Regards,
Greg Standing

*I have looked into it, he is not dead; however he is gay, so it’s something that might happen soon (if he gets the aids), so i do suggest a short term contract.

**The chains would have a small timed explosive so they  would blow thus letting him free (free in the confines of the United Kingdom and Southern Ireland floating map land), once land was a set distance away.

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Barry top 5 movie moments

In all there has been 789 Barry movies, not all of them have been classic films but each film has a classic moment. I have lot’s of choice but i have some how managed to create a list of just 5.

5) The pool cue up hitlers bum (Barry vs Hitler)

Hitler enjoyed the match

Barry has a talent to make even the most evil and scary men laughable. A journey back through time to 1940’s Germany in which is possibly the most controversial Barry film to date, the film starts with Barry landing in the middle of D day and it takes him to a concentration camp. Barry ends up in Berlin as he tracks down his time machine. The film ends with Hitler holding Barry time machine, Barry soon turns the (pool) tables when Barry end’s up challenging Hitler to a match of Pool. Hitler is too proud to resist Barry offer and Barry bet’s against his wife Brenda life that he would beat him. Of course Barry defeats Hitler, but he does not leave without humiliating Hitler when he put’s the pool cue between his cheeks. It is perhaps one of the funnest moment in Barry history, and it meant all the Jew jokes Barry tells earlier in the movie were forgiven (or so i’m told).

4) Barry says his final goodbye to Brenda (Barry the death of Brenda pt8)
In 2009 MGM announced an 8 part film series that showed Brenda Death. In the last of the 8 films Brenda dies and a there is a touching moment between Barry and Brenda. You can really see the love between the old couple as she passes from cancer.  Barry had tried everything to stop Brenda from dying (See Barry Vs Death (The death of Brenda pt 7))  but Barry had  in the end had to accept he was powerless to stop the death of Brenda.

 

3) Barry and the Bee Gees (Barry “so dreams do come true”)

Barry Dreams really do come true in the light heated installment of the Barry Franchise. This filmed used groundbreaking Computer Graphics to bring back to life Maurice Gibb so that all of the BeeGees and Barry could do a live show. The moment when Barry goes up and starts the rendition Too much heaven you can really see the joy in his face. The boy’s perform all the greatest hit’s and the film has added behind the scenes videos of the two legends coming together. Along with this the film official soundtrack marked Barry’s first number 1 album (the first of many)

 

2) Barry says hello to Brenda (Barry and the return of Brenda Balls)
Two Month after the death of Brenda MGM announced they was bringing her back. Barry travels to hell to find Brenda, shenanigans ensue as Barry finds Hell is not all that it’s crack up to be. The moment however comes when Barry finds Brenda being tortured Barry manages to get her out there, it is also the first sex scene in a Barry film, as Barry is so happy to have her back many criticized this scene for it’s Graphic Content it was banned in many country’s.

 

1) Barry get’s diagnosed with cancer (1st time) (Barry 1)
Where Barry began, the newly crowned pool king is living the high life in Corfu, when he finds a lump on his back. His trip to the doctors confirm the worse, Barry has Cancer and it’s terminal. Barry has to cope with his day to life as pool king while living under this shadow. Barry handles the news with courage and pride as he tries to make the most out of the short amount of time he has left. It is truly touching tale, and the last (only) film before the series took a more comedic turn.

Top 5 post of 2010 from yours truly

Yeah January is all focused on me, what I liked, what I want to happen and now what I felt was the best post that I posted (How else) throughout the few months i blogged.
There have been 38 blogs in the 4 and a half months that i have bloged in 2010.
It’s been a funny year for my old blog the views have massively out weight the comments (comment more you plonkers).
Over the course of 2010 I  have gained around 1500 view, not great, but it’s not like i’m famous, why would any one read my blog?

5. https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2010/08/15/how-to-cope-with-blogging/ – I’m still starting in this bloging world. And this was my inner monologue of how I planed to create a plan of semi regular content for my little corner of the web. While not an enthralling read it is my most commented on blog with a MASSIVE 6 comments! (1 by myself).

4. https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2010/10/21/fat-tim-a-short-story/ – A crap little story I wrote with hardly any views. It was a strange surreal tale of a obese man who has an encounter with a, floating, glowing object. Not amazing but I liked it. I wrote the whole story on my I-pod touch, which I still find a very cool fact.

3. https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2010/09/10/just-the-prologue/ – A first draft and a little taster of the prologue of my novel which i’m writing at the moment. While my novel has changed lots since I originally posted that little segment. But I still think it’s an OK peace of writing which introduces the reader to my universe. The great thing about creating a sci-fi novel; is a feeling that you have create a whole universe, all in my little mind.

2. https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2010/08/17/my-top-5-science-fiction-books/ – My first of many top 5’s. It’s also my most viewed post. I love book, all types of books, of course as a sci-fi nerdling (i’m still young). I do love my science fiction and here is a list of my favourite one. Sure in a year or two I will hopefully have to change it but it’s a pretty god dam good list of books. ALL must read books.

1 . https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2010/12/26/a-short-story-3-ls/ – The second short story that I put up on my blog. And in my opinion a much better one. Still has room for improvement, but I have had  a few complements about it. Well a couple. It is a totally made story, contrary to the beliefs of some people i know. I think it’s a sad little story. When you read remember i’m a new writer still learning my trade, and of course there is lot of things I need to improve. Hopefully theses will come with more and more practise.

It is was my first half a year of bloging, i felt it was OK. I can’t wait to blog some more. DO some more proper articles, some book reviews and who know some more short story’s.

Other news of note

Today i had a nice day out in York with one of my friends.

The big news this week in my household is that my sister is back, you may remember from a past blog that she was going travelling around Asia. She is safe and sound and more importantly is she had a great time. The only bone she broke was her toe.