Tag Archives: humor

Buster…

Well it has now been over a week since it happened, and i’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that my dog is dead.

I like to think of myself as a competent writer (though many may disagree), I end up being lazy at times and grammar suffers for it but I do try. As a writer I feel a duty to tell the story of my dogs life. It is not that interesting of a story, highlights included; shitting in front of many a driveway, long walking holidays and not having his balls cut off. He was quite proud of the last and showed this by licking them whenever he got the chance.

The story of Boo.

Buster’s story started before even I had met him, I don’t know a lot of what happened in those first few months of his life before his family picked him up. But whatever happened he never liked to talk about it…… Whatever the reason, his first owner did give up the little dog that they had called Buster, and he ended up in a rescue home, at around 5 months old. Meanwhile the Hopkins family (that’s my family) had made the decision that they would get a dog, and a rescue centre would be the right place to find one. So Dawn Hopkins and in tow her two children, an 11 year old girl and a cute, wise beyond his years 7 year old boy. It just so happened that the second rescue centre that this family visited was where that little dog Buster was being held. Excitedly the two children ran to the newborn puppies ignoring any dog that might be over a month old. The mother however, was being a little more practical with the event. She saw a dog still in his puppy hood, cute certainly, but nearly as important she saw that on the cage a sheet said that this little dog called Buster was “house trained and good with kids” she didn’t want to teach a dog that. So she manoeuvred the children to the cage in which he was held and showed him to them.
I can’t recall if it was love at first sight for the children but it must have been pretty close to it. That day the family took Buster for a walk around the centre. The mother saw how good this dog was with the children, how eager he was to please them and how he liked to lick people. The dog was a mongrel he clearly had some Labrador in him and the centre owner believed he also had some Rhodesian Ridgeback in him, there was probably a few other dog types in him too. After the walk they let the dog be put back in the cage, with a heavy heart they went back home. After returning home the mother relayed this information to the Father. And after the children agreed that he was pretty much perfect in every way, the family returned the next day to collect him. And the dog called Buster timidly walked into his new house and was welcomed into the Hopkins family…..

Over the next few years bonds were formed as any family with a dog they love will know. Buster was a pretty well behaved puppy he never went through the known chewing phase that many dogs go through. He was not that horny and never nipped or never did he bite anyone. He pulled strongly when he went for walks, but that was the family’s fault for never training him properly in this. At three years old Buster had his first Holiday in a village called Craster, it rained the whole time, the family had a pretty miserable time. Though not Buster who ran for hours and hours and then came in the cottage to eat, sleep and shit.
Buster was a happy dog, I don’t know what happened in those first few months of his life of course, but he had a good life as far as a dog’s life can go. He never found love, but had he, he might not have gotten to keep his balls so swings and roundabouts. (I just wrote ‘Balls’ and ‘Swings’ in a sentence about my dog didn’t I?) He was always very timid around things he was unsure of, but was very loving especially to his family. The most traumatic thing that happened in his early life was when he was attacked by a couple of dogs. An event that left him a little shaken but nothing else.
I would say that ‘this’ (above) were the only interesting things that happened to him in his early life, which might be true but the fact of the matter is the family and more importantly Buster enjoyed the boring times. Most of the enjoyment Buster got and the family got out of Buster came from the times when they would play at home, at catch or at tug of war, or when he would sneak up on the sofa and sleep in a guilty comfort knowing shouldn’t be up there. When they took him to the park and would have a foot race… and lose because he was just too fast. Those times when he slept beside a fire, when they scratched his ears and when he came up with a cute photographs, like the one below. These were the most interesting times.

In his last years not much changed with Buster, just perhaps that the son in the family might win the odd race as Buster got a little older. When Buster made it to double figures his health did deteriorate slightly, he started to pee a lot more regular and even went in the house, something he had never done before. Concerned the family took him to the vet. After a blood test it seemed that he had gotten Cushing’s disease. The family was worried, very worried. But Buster showed the first signs of the fighter that was in this timid dog. After a small operation, that removed a gland that wasn’t acting as it should. Any effect of the disease seemed to go away. And again Buster was a perfect picture of health for his age. He even managed another Holiday, this time to Torquay. Where for a week he went wild in the drinking scene…. until he was sick because it was sea water (that was an awful attempt at a joke). However, this good health was not to last, when the son of the family (are you getting that the son is me) saw something that made his heart come to his throat. While Buster was in his common laying on his back position, his mouth opened and there the son found a pink lump of what looked fleshy in his mouth. Again another visit to vet was in order and this time the diagnosis was more serious and the treatment more drastic. It was a cancer and the treatment meant removing part of Buster’s Jaw, not a nice thing. The treatment was a success and Buster weighing a little less in the face, he was again in pretty much in good health. He got a second trip to Torquay and again had a great time.
Things were not to be that simple for Buster he wasn’t destined for an easy death at a ripe old age in his sleep. For the cancer came back and it took him. Though it did not take him without a fight, he lasted months longer than the doctors expected and his family managed to get almost a year of extra life out of him.

The family didn’t want to say goodbye to Buster, but they had to. Buster had four people that loved him very much and would have done anything to have Buster back, but at the same time were glad to see an end to the suffering which he had in the last week of his 12 nearly 13 years life. So the family did have to say goodbye to the little dog called Buster, and they all cried and knew that they would not forget him.
I don’t believe in a god, but in that off chance that there is something out there, whether that is a man in a cloud or an alien with a petri dish. I hope they keep Buster safe until his family can meet him there.

Buster – 1999-2012

Love you Buster so very much. You was my best friend, as I grew up so did you, you were my brother and so much more than just a dog.

If you want a more serious and detailed look on the cancer that Buster had, look here (http://wp.me/psL0a-73).

The big society – A review

The Big Society is a musical being show at the city Varieties in Leeds, it is Britain’s longest-running music hall, built in 1865. It got a £9.2m refurbishment a few of months ago. The show is also set at the Varieties just 100 years ago, though it often breaks the periods with mention to the present. The show stars Phill Jupitus, from Never Mind The Buzzcocks. The show follows the going on at a variety show, showing both the backstage and the show itself. Like the variety show 100 years ago, there was number of acts, a magician called Barry, an escapology, lots of songs and dance, a ventriloquist  and the headline act a invisible monkey called Marcel.

The show is being  produce by the old  anarchist band Chumbawamba, who also provide the music to the show.

It was a jaunty affair, with big musical tunes, modern political parallels and very very funny. The parallels to politics nowadays while obvious are not to in your face. The ventriloquist Dave with his dummy little Nick was the only clever political joke in the whole play. There is not much of a story to the whole show, with a little story about romance and a little story a newspaper journalist going to shut the company down. But these story’s are quickly dealt with, and the show goes back into another musical number. Phill Jupitus is excellent in it and surprisingly good voice. You can forgive the lack of a story because of how funny and enjoyable the show is. If you viewed the show as piece on modern politics then it probaly falls flat on its face, but as a entertainment it is successes the songs are catchy, and it very funny.

4 out 5 stars

Big Society is on until the 4th of February at Leeds City Varieties (buy tickets at www.cityvarieties.co.uk/

A 2011 interview with me

Since I know no one interesting or famous enough (not that they would agree to do one either) to warrant an interview. So like the arrogant fucker I am, I thought i’d put my 2011 memories in the form of an interview.

1) Best place you visited?
In between my large period of being a hermit writer, I have managed to see some very nice places, I went to London twice. I saw Wembley stadium for the second time but this time with my team leeds rhinos playing. But the best place has to be when I spent the week in Rome, a place I have always wanted to visit. We spent a exhausting 5 days making sure we saw all the sites.

See more of my photos of Rome from my 5 days there here (https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/extras-rome-photos/)

2. Best book you read?
According my goodsreads account, I read 25 new book last year (plus 2 re reads of books). Not a huge amount, but I managed to fit in a number very good books in there. I managed to finally read all 3 of the Lord of the rings books. The new John Scalzi novel Fuzzy Nation was a great book, I read the 4th dune book. Other book I really enjoyed was flashfoward and the forever series of books.  I read number of other sci-fi, post apocalyptic, fantasy and the odd thriller book in the year. But my favourite would probably have to be Neil Gaiman American Gods, different to anything else I read this year and it is partly the inspiration for the story (more credit should be given to lord of light however) I am currently writing.

3. Best film?
For me it has been a pretty poor year for films, and I would have really struggled coming up with my best film year before last week. I ordered Rise of the planet of apes on sky box office. I really enjoyed the prequel/remake, perhaps I have seen a better a film, but I really can’t think of any off the top of my head.

4. Best TV show?
There has been a few contender’s for this, starting with the last ever episodes of Stargate Universe and in turn the Stargate franchise. However, that is tinged with so much sadness I can’t put it as my best TV show of last year. Walking Dead season 2 (part 1) also aired which carried on from an excellent first series. There was Game of thrones which pretty amazing and the Borgias which I enjoyed as well. The show I enjoyed the most would be the first series of Sherlock, the second series just recently started and it reminded me just how good the show is, and how great those first episode were.

5. Best Game?
Mass effects 2 (see http://wp.me/psL0a-jo)

6. Best Album?
Another thing that I really haven’t kept up with all that much. I got the new Foo Fighters album, along with the long awaited (for me) new Kaiser Chiefs album which I thought was great. However, I found a new group that I really like The Dresden Dolls, and while none of their albums were released this year. I found all their albums were available on the website, for a pay-what-you-like price. So I manage to get 3 albums and a live album for a cheekily cheap sum. The songs have been played over and over again on my I pod and computer so one of their album would probably be the best.

7. Best Moment?
Without a doubt seeing Leeds Rhinos win their 5th grand final in 8 years, from the fifth position.Which was the lowest ever position for a team to win it from, they shocked almost everyone (including me) by winning it, and showed the world that they are true team of champions. I have been lucky enough to see all 5 of those grand finals they won, in them I have seen some magnificent tries. But the two tries that Rob Burrow scored and made were pretty amazing, and will stick in my memory for a long time to come, like the Scot Donald try in 2007.

Best moment

8. Best Gig?
I’ve seen a few good bands this year, Hurts in February was amazing and so was seeing Muse for the second time at Leeds Festival. Though the best gig I went to was seeing Arcade fire for the second time too. They are a interesting band to watch, because they are so many of them. Your eyes move all around, not being sure what to look at next. I give credit to my sister for getting me into them, they have a unique style. And they put on great show.

9. Most important thing that happen you in 2011?
I guess having an almost full time job, while it was only for a little over 6 months, it was an interesting experience living life of almost full time working. It was not my ideal job, and not at all stimulating, but then again I did say I got the experience of a full time job, so what did I expect? Hopefully, a new job will rear its head soon in 2012.

10. What are you looking forward to most in 2012?
Quite a few things, there might be a holiday to American in the making which would be very, very good. I will be going to Italy to see my sister, who is now living there for next 6 months. But most of all I look forward to reading plenty more books, playing more games and getting a lot more writing done this year, a lot more than I did last year. Oh and the new Keane album and tour!

Done.

The return of how you found my blog

Last year I did a blog on some strange searches that found my blog (https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/how-you-found-my-blog/).  After having a quick look on my stats from this year, I’ve found another lot of odd and scary searches.
Sadly many of these terms tend to be more sexual, giving credence to the accepted theory that most online are on for porn. And a disturbing amount of this ends up in the homosexual end of the spectrum. Which is strange because I can’t remember blogging too much on that.
But lets star with the most searched terms, that I could call ‘normal’. These have mostly been Stargate related, and a few variations on E.T. “Jurassic park” also turned up over 200 hits.

Things get more strange with 9 searches for “Sean bean pulled apart by horses” and “joel hopkins, the last gamer” with 4. Someone seems to think I was a member of the rock band ‘arcade fire’ as somebody searched “Joel Hopkins a member of arcade fire”. While that flattered me, this did not “mr joel Blog gay”. 20 people have been looking for homosexual aliens as well, with 15 hits for “Gay aliens” and 5 hits for “lesbian aliens”. Watch out “Rich gay men in leeds” people have been searching for you. There was “Skyrim Gay porn” which also found me, but that is enough of the gay searches… because I really  could say more.

There seems to be a lot of wishful thinking with this search “Hitler molested in hell” and “Hitler’s bum hole”  perhaps this photo did generated these.

I am pleased some people have searched for “Barry the pool king” they can find what they are looking for here (https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/short-story-barry-origins-the-birth-of-the-pool-king/). But those looking for “Barry’s bum” will be disappointed.

I will leave you with this gem “photo of fat man with gas mask on” .

A dating profile (with thoughts) example

I am a 34 year old man (I live with my mum) looking for love (any bodily contact would be fine) . I have an athletic body type (not obese) and of a average hight (little bit shorter). I am impulsive but not that confident (so together it means normal). I am looking for someone with similar interests, music, film, TV, reading, day trips, cuddling, friends, drinking wine (sounds better than “I get pissed every week”), walking on the beach at night or day, animals and going on holiday (I am putting as much as I can think to so we must have one similar interest on there).Cooking is speciality of mine (I would learn something to cook that is nice before our first date) and I like to cook healthy food (this is my polite way of saying no heffers allowed). I am not religious but a person with what I consider to be a good moral code and would expect the same in a partner (nothing kinky in bed).
I have many goals in life I am a writer (I write fan-fic of my favourite TV show) and would love this to be my career path (I am pretty happy on the dole though).  I would love to have kids (I am trying to attract the pre menopausal woman here) though not until I am sure that I am with the person who is the one (making sure that they are not to close to the pause, plus woman love this soppy shit).
I’d want a woman who could I could respect (no sluts) and who would respect me (not to look on my internet history) and someone who I could have an intellectual conversation with (I am trying to put across I think I am smart). I think physical attraction is important but not the be all and all (beggars can’t be choosers).
I look forward to hearing from the right person out there (please).

I just want to say I am not fully taking the piss out of the people that use dating sites;after all in a few years I could be on one (in fact I i’d be surprised if met someone not on one)…..it is more that I am poking a little bit of fun of some of the things that are said in it. I also (without trying to make this in to something more serious than it was) was trying to show a little bit of sadness in the whole thing….  hopefully I made one or two people chuckle… if not I hope you was indifferent rather than offended…. after all we are looking for someone to love. 

An open letter to ITV

Dear Producer/Sir/Madam

My name is Greg Standing and i am a unemployed person of 19 years of age, and as an unemployed person, i have of course caught the GMTV replacement, daybreak. It is impossible not to have heard about the ratings issue that the show has been suffering from since the painful birth from ITV’s vagina . I think that this is, well excuses my language is pants. Daybreak is a quality light entertainment program, and i find that it is a great way to start my day, before setting off to a hard days work (if i worked). However these ratings issues can not just be ignored, a large amount of the viewership, which you did have for GMTV has left, and they left to watch the less lighthearted BBC Breakfast (that or they have died, i hear a lot of old people use to watch GMTV). No, not even the chemistry which flows from Adrian and Christine would save your show.  On another note not to do with the rest of the letter, i do find it slightly annoying that the two are rarely on the show together now a days, i mean i understand why, Adrian has his football and i’m sure Christine has stuff to do as well (washing, etc.).

DO NOT FEAR

I have a simple solution to your problems, that will not only bring back the viewership that left after the re-branding, but it will also bring in new fans (such as shark enthusiast, people who watch snuff films).  Bring back to the fold Fred Talbot and more importantly his floating weather map.

I always liked the not to scale models of British tourist attractions.

As a young child i liked watching “this morning” and catching up on the latest weather predictions, with a cup of tea, before setting off to primary school. But i loved fun more than that (which i just mentioned). And there was nothing more fun, than watching a middle age man jumping between a scale (not to scale) model of the UK. I would love to see Fred the weatherman back on the floating map, unless he is dead*, if he is then a young  (attractive) woman would do. I would not expect that this alone would bring back the viewers, it would need sprucing up. Do not worry i have ideas for that too.

Why not have a shark in the water around the floating map,  it would add a risk element to the forecast, that i personally feel the viewers would love to see (i know i would). Before all the “PC” (political correctness) brigade shout out that it’s too dangerous (which i think  is a silly excuse not to do it) fear not, if the idea does not fly, i say we rip all the teeth out of the shark! This way if Fred falls into the water (which he would be contractually obliged to do once a month) he would not be mauled to death, instead he would be gently gummed, until the shark is shot (humanely). This is not my only idea, no! My next idea is, once a year, you could drag the floating weather map (Fred with it) into the middle of the Atlantic sea. He would not have a support team, and only have what he could grab, as he was dragged out of bed, he would then be chained to the weather map on the morning of the start of the show**. Fred would have to survive for two weeks on the map, with challenges for food taking place; he fails? then he does not eat for the day. I also propose a daily show, the show should be hosted by the Chuckle Brother (or alternatively Ant and Dec; if the Chuckle brother are still contracted to the BBC) which would track his progress. As well exclusive news on Daybreak (see more viewers). I think you would agree that this is much better than any of your current shows.

Fred is ready to be chained to the map

I ask you not to scoff at my idea, as that was what my mum did when i told them to her. I ask you to look at them for what they are; ideas, fresh juice brain ideas, as a zombie would say. And is that not what an old and riddled with realty TV channel needs?  Perhaps i say! So if you would like to contact me, i would be willing to sell my ideas to you (or perhaps  a executive position within the company). I hope that you give the same amount of thought and consideration as i put into writing this.

Regards,
Greg Standing

*I have looked into it, he is not dead; however he is gay, so it’s something that might happen soon (if he gets the aids), so i do suggest a short term contract.

**The chains would have a small timed explosive so they  would blow thus letting him free (free in the confines of the United Kingdom and Southern Ireland floating map land), once land was a set distance away.

A few badly worded signs

From china….. i should not make fun, English is my first language (only) and i still make many mistakes, as shown by some of my blogs if you read them too carefully.  Just click the photo for a better quality image. It was an old camera don’t judge…….

No trumpet playing or exploding

I was having the best conversation with my Cellphone, just the other day.

They do say the true heart, is really the brain....

"No striding"

This one is indeed not funny even.

The best one is "Ragamuffins" (part 1)

I think they used Google translate (part 2)

These are the only ones i took photo of while i was there, but i remember a “a no dabbling in the pool” one.