Tag Archives: Funny

The return of how you found my blog

Last year I did a blog on some strange searches that found my blog (https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/2011/02/05/how-you-found-my-blog/).  After having a quick look on my stats from this year, I’ve found another lot of odd and scary searches.
Sadly many of these terms tend to be more sexual, giving credence to the accepted theory that most online are on for porn. And a disturbing amount of this ends up in the homosexual end of the spectrum. Which is strange because I can’t remember blogging too much on that.
But lets star with the most searched terms, that I could call ‘normal’. These have mostly been Stargate related, and a few variations on E.T. “Jurassic park” also turned up over 200 hits.

Things get more strange with 9 searches for “Sean bean pulled apart by horses” and “joel hopkins, the last gamer” with 4. Someone seems to think I was a member of the rock band ‘arcade fire’ as somebody searched “Joel Hopkins a member of arcade fire”. While that flattered me, this did not “mr joel Blog gay”. 20 people have been looking for homosexual aliens as well, with 15 hits for “Gay aliens” and 5 hits for “lesbian aliens”. Watch out “Rich gay men in leeds” people have been searching for you. There was “Skyrim Gay porn” which also found me, but that is enough of the gay searches… because I really  could say more.

There seems to be a lot of wishful thinking with this search “Hitler molested in hell” and “Hitler’s bum hole”  perhaps this photo did generated these.

I am pleased some people have searched for “Barry the pool king” they can find what they are looking for here (https://joelhopkins.wordpress.com/short-story-barry-origins-the-birth-of-the-pool-king/). But those looking for “Barry’s bum” will be disappointed.

I will leave you with this gem “photo of fat man with gas mask on” .

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A dating profile (with thoughts) example

I am a 34 year old man (I live with my mum) looking for love (any bodily contact would be fine) . I have an athletic body type (not obese) and of a average hight (little bit shorter). I am impulsive but not that confident (so together it means normal). I am looking for someone with similar interests, music, film, TV, reading, day trips, cuddling, friends, drinking wine (sounds better than “I get pissed every week”), walking on the beach at night or day, animals and going on holiday (I am putting as much as I can think to so we must have one similar interest on there).Cooking is speciality of mine (I would learn something to cook that is nice before our first date) and I like to cook healthy food (this is my polite way of saying no heffers allowed). I am not religious but a person with what I consider to be a good moral code and would expect the same in a partner (nothing kinky in bed).
I have many goals in life I am a writer (I write fan-fic of my favourite TV show) and would love this to be my career path (I am pretty happy on the dole though).  I would love to have kids (I am trying to attract the pre menopausal woman here) though not until I am sure that I am with the person who is the one (making sure that they are not to close to the pause, plus woman love this soppy shit).
I’d want a woman who could I could respect (no sluts) and who would respect me (not to look on my internet history) and someone who I could have an intellectual conversation with (I am trying to put across I think I am smart). I think physical attraction is important but not the be all and all (beggars can’t be choosers).
I look forward to hearing from the right person out there (please).

I just want to say I am not fully taking the piss out of the people that use dating sites;after all in a few years I could be on one (in fact I i’d be surprised if met someone not on one)…..it is more that I am poking a little bit of fun of some of the things that are said in it. I also (without trying to make this in to something more serious than it was) was trying to show a little bit of sadness in the whole thing….  hopefully I made one or two people chuckle… if not I hope you was indifferent rather than offended…. after all we are looking for someone to love. 

An open letter to ITV

Dear Producer/Sir/Madam

My name is Greg Standing and i am a unemployed person of 19 years of age, and as an unemployed person, i have of course caught the GMTV replacement, daybreak. It is impossible not to have heard about the ratings issue that the show has been suffering from since the painful birth from ITV’s vagina . I think that this is, well excuses my language is pants. Daybreak is a quality light entertainment program, and i find that it is a great way to start my day, before setting off to a hard days work (if i worked). However these ratings issues can not just be ignored, a large amount of the viewership, which you did have for GMTV has left, and they left to watch the less lighthearted BBC Breakfast (that or they have died, i hear a lot of old people use to watch GMTV). No, not even the chemistry which flows from Adrian and Christine would save your show.  On another note not to do with the rest of the letter, i do find it slightly annoying that the two are rarely on the show together now a days, i mean i understand why, Adrian has his football and i’m sure Christine has stuff to do as well (washing, etc.).

DO NOT FEAR

I have a simple solution to your problems, that will not only bring back the viewership that left after the re-branding, but it will also bring in new fans (such as shark enthusiast, people who watch snuff films).  Bring back to the fold Fred Talbot and more importantly his floating weather map.

I always liked the not to scale models of British tourist attractions.

As a young child i liked watching “this morning” and catching up on the latest weather predictions, with a cup of tea, before setting off to primary school. But i loved fun more than that (which i just mentioned). And there was nothing more fun, than watching a middle age man jumping between a scale (not to scale) model of the UK. I would love to see Fred the weatherman back on the floating map, unless he is dead*, if he is then a young  (attractive) woman would do. I would not expect that this alone would bring back the viewers, it would need sprucing up. Do not worry i have ideas for that too.

Why not have a shark in the water around the floating map,  it would add a risk element to the forecast, that i personally feel the viewers would love to see (i know i would). Before all the “PC” (political correctness) brigade shout out that it’s too dangerous (which i think  is a silly excuse not to do it) fear not, if the idea does not fly, i say we rip all the teeth out of the shark! This way if Fred falls into the water (which he would be contractually obliged to do once a month) he would not be mauled to death, instead he would be gently gummed, until the shark is shot (humanely). This is not my only idea, no! My next idea is, once a year, you could drag the floating weather map (Fred with it) into the middle of the Atlantic sea. He would not have a support team, and only have what he could grab, as he was dragged out of bed, he would then be chained to the weather map on the morning of the start of the show**. Fred would have to survive for two weeks on the map, with challenges for food taking place; he fails? then he does not eat for the day. I also propose a daily show, the show should be hosted by the Chuckle Brother (or alternatively Ant and Dec; if the Chuckle brother are still contracted to the BBC) which would track his progress. As well exclusive news on Daybreak (see more viewers). I think you would agree that this is much better than any of your current shows.

Fred is ready to be chained to the map

I ask you not to scoff at my idea, as that was what my mum did when i told them to her. I ask you to look at them for what they are; ideas, fresh juice brain ideas, as a zombie would say. And is that not what an old and riddled with realty TV channel needs?  Perhaps i say! So if you would like to contact me, i would be willing to sell my ideas to you (or perhaps  a executive position within the company). I hope that you give the same amount of thought and consideration as i put into writing this.

Regards,
Greg Standing

*I have looked into it, he is not dead; however he is gay, so it’s something that might happen soon (if he gets the aids), so i do suggest a short term contract.

**The chains would have a small timed explosive so they  would blow thus letting him free (free in the confines of the United Kingdom and Southern Ireland floating map land), once land was a set distance away.