An open letter to ITV


Dear Producer/Sir/Madam

My name is Greg Standing and i am a unemployed person of 19 years of age, and as an unemployed person, i have of course caught the GMTV replacement, daybreak. It is impossible not to have heard about the ratings issue that the show has been suffering from since the painful birth from ITV’s vagina . I think that this is, well excuses my language is pants. Daybreak is a quality light entertainment program, and i find that it is a great way to start my day, before setting off to a hard days work (if i worked). However these ratings issues can not just be ignored, a large amount of the viewership, which you did have for GMTV has left, and they left to watch the less lighthearted BBC Breakfast (that or they have died, i hear a lot of old people use to watch GMTV). No, not even the chemistry which flows from Adrian and Christine would save your show.  On another note not to do with the rest of the letter, i do find it slightly annoying that the two are rarely on the show together now a days, i mean i understand why, Adrian has his football and i’m sure Christine has stuff to do as well (washing, etc.).

DO NOT FEAR

I have a simple solution to your problems, that will not only bring back the viewership that left after the re-branding, but it will also bring in new fans (such as shark enthusiast, people who watch snuff films).  Bring back to the fold Fred Talbot and more importantly his floating weather map.

I always liked the not to scale models of British tourist attractions.

As a young child i liked watching “this morning” and catching up on the latest weather predictions, with a cup of tea, before setting off to primary school. But i loved fun more than that (which i just mentioned). And there was nothing more fun, than watching a middle age man jumping between a scale (not to scale) model of the UK. I would love to see Fred the weatherman back on the floating map, unless he is dead*, if he is then a young  (attractive) woman would do. I would not expect that this alone would bring back the viewers, it would need sprucing up. Do not worry i have ideas for that too.

Why not have a shark in the water around the floating map,  it would add a risk element to the forecast, that i personally feel the viewers would love to see (i know i would). Before all the “PC” (political correctness) brigade shout out that it’s too dangerous (which i think  is a silly excuse not to do it) fear not, if the idea does not fly, i say we rip all the teeth out of the shark! This way if Fred falls into the water (which he would be contractually obliged to do once a month) he would not be mauled to death, instead he would be gently gummed, until the shark is shot (humanely). This is not my only idea, no! My next idea is, once a year, you could drag the floating weather map (Fred with it) into the middle of the Atlantic sea. He would not have a support team, and only have what he could grab, as he was dragged out of bed, he would then be chained to the weather map on the morning of the start of the show**. Fred would have to survive for two weeks on the map, with challenges for food taking place; he fails? then he does not eat for the day. I also propose a daily show, the show should be hosted by the Chuckle Brother (or alternatively Ant and Dec; if the Chuckle brother are still contracted to the BBC) which would track his progress. As well exclusive news on Daybreak (see more viewers). I think you would agree that this is much better than any of your current shows.

Fred is ready to be chained to the map

I ask you not to scoff at my idea, as that was what my mum did when i told them to her. I ask you to look at them for what they are; ideas, fresh juice brain ideas, as a zombie would say. And is that not what an old and riddled with realty TV channel needs?  Perhaps i say! So if you would like to contact me, i would be willing to sell my ideas to you (or perhaps  a executive position within the company). I hope that you give the same amount of thought and consideration as i put into writing this.

Regards,
Greg Standing

*I have looked into it, he is not dead; however he is gay, so it’s something that might happen soon (if he gets the aids), so i do suggest a short term contract.

**The chains would have a small timed explosive so they  would blow thus letting him free (free in the confines of the United Kingdom and Southern Ireland floating map land), once land was a set distance away.

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10 thoughts on “An open letter to ITV

  1. Probably dying of the AIDS

    I’m sorry, but he’s a risk of death from “the AIDS” simply because he’s gay? Proof read your work, try and learn the basics of grammar and don’t write idiotic things in a frantic and unsuccessful attempt at comedy.

    Reply
    1. Joel Hopkins Post author

      “the AIDS” is something intentional believe it or not! I don’t mind if the “comedy” is not to your taste, but it’s written in the style of a character and not myself. Keep reading my blog, you might find something you like!

      If you want to point out any more grammatical errors feel free, proof reading is not a strong point of mine.
      Thanks,

      Reply
      1. Probably dying of the AIDS

        “It’s wrote in the style of a character”
        How can you have such poor understanding of the English language? If you want to be a writer, you should really learn to proof read. It’s a necessity for any writer let alone one without an understanding of sentence structure. Hide behind your ‘character’ all you like but edgy comedy is only good if it’s funny and/or clever.

      2. Joel Hopkins Post author

        written then…. Get over it! If my grammar really does offends you, more than a homophobic comment, who am I to judge?

    2. mrjamesdudley

      So, how come you’re such an expert on what’s funny and what isn’t? You still haven’t answered that. People like you look for offence, it’s clear that he’s joking, yet you’ve jumped on it with some hollow attempt at moral outrage.
      You should just phone The Daily Mail and have done with it.

      Reply
  2. Probably dying of the AIDS

    I’m not a comedian, but the whole point of ‘edgy/offensive’ comedy is that it broadens the mind to look at different viewpoints in a lighthearted way. It’s not about jumping on a 10 year old joke at an attempt to be deep and thoughtful. I don’t look for offense or read the Daily Mail.

    Reply
    1. mrjamesdudley

      I really don’t think his AIDs joke was an attempt to be “deep and thoughtful”. Comedy is subjective, in this case he used edgy humour purely for shock value. Whilst you may not appreciate it, others will. I don’t think it’s fair for you to berate him for using that form of humour because it doesn’t appeal to you.

      Reply
    2. Joel Hopkins Post author

      Tbf, you are picking on one sentence of the whole thing….. I’m not honestly bothered if you don’t like it, some will some won’t. However to say “‘edgy/offensive’ comedy is that it broadens the mind to look at different viewpoints in a lighthearted way” that is a load of bull, most comedy is about making some laugh or shocking someone into laughing! I do admit sometimes it can be done to make you look at things from a different view point, but that is hardly the norm in standup or sitcoms. I’ve never claimed this to be one of those exceptions. In the 30 mins it took me to write this, all I was thinking is “this is a funny idea”.
      Comedy is not even my main genre, check out some of my other work on the pages above.

      And I take you point about grammar and proof reading, you should have seen my grammar a year ago…. I was a hell of a lot worse then, and I expect will look at this in a year and think the same then.

      Reply

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